Depression

Broken Dreams: Story Extract

“I’ve fallen hard and there’s no one around to hear my hysterical outburst. My heart is pounding, looking for a way to escape from my body because the pain has become too much to endure. Tears stream from my eyes and mucus runs from my nose but I only have two hands that can’t keep up with the wiping. My lungs are fighting for breath but I wish I could just stop breathing.

I think this is me giving up. With a dream too far away to reach and any hopes have been shattered like a crystal glass. Hope is a beautiful thing but once it’s broken, it splinters into too many pieces to put back together. Don’t get too close to the broken pieces because every piece hurts, reminding me of the hope that once was.

With a hollow, empty stare my reflection mocks me in the glass window. Transparent, almost invisible just like me in this world. I see the first fold at the corner of my eyes and I feel the weight of my 30years crash down on me. My first wrinkle as a reminder of the hardships I’ve been through. Another tear slides across my cheek as I accept my fate and clench my jaw, biting against the emotional torture, fighting for control once more…”

Written by Ling Lee (16/10/13)

One day when you look into the mirror and suddenly see all that is real. Wishing to turn back the years only to make the same mistakes all over again. I see laughter and smiles all outside of my reach. It hurts that much more to see it but not have it. Life means nothing without happiness.

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Fallen: Story Extract

“Battling to block out the incessant cries, sporting hooligans howling through the speakers and the bickering. My need for quiet time has long ago passed. I sit here with tears full to the brim, concentrating with all the energy I have left to stop them from spilling over. Mentally trying to keep from losing control, I count, I recite my peaceful mantra, I breathe in and out slowly. Then the screaming and whining breaks through my last barrier and all hell breaks loose.

Shrieking whirlwinds whip around me, blurring my vision until the tears mingle with my burning eyes. Despair and hatred fuse together fighting to control my life. I’m slipping deeper and deeper into the recesses of darkness and I don’t think anyone is around to hear my pleas. Crumbling into a heap on the floor, tears pour through me from the depths of my heart.

I’m not even sure if it’s the stress, or the sadness, or regret, or defeat that has finally brought me down. I don’t think I have the strength to pick myself up to try again. Every step and every turn comes with more destruction and pain for me to endure. I’m not sure this torture is worth it if my life is made up of such bad times. I just want a moment of peace and a reminder of why I should bother trying to stand tall once again…”

Written by Ling Lee (12/08/13).

Everyone looks at my exterior and no one can see past the smile etched so painfully across my face. When a tear threatens to fall, I laugh out loud and wish I could as easily wipe away my sorrows.

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Summer Sadness: Story Extract

“On a hot summer day with the wind breezing gently through my hair, I hear children running and playing through the park. On a day like this I should have a smile on my face, lying on a blanket with a good book and a cool drink by my side. So with all the energy I can muster, my lips tighten into more of a grimace than a smile. Inside I am crumbling as my heart bleeds the tears that I cannot let slip through my eyelids. I close my eyes and look up into the sky, sunlight pierces through the darkness, blinding me but I still feel the raw ache in my chest. Crying out a silent prayer I wish for the pain to subside. I wish to feel nothing because having nothing and feeling nothing is better than this torment of darkness and misery. Every step I take feels like I’m dragging myself through a pool of water, cold and heavy footed, a transparent force pushing against my every move. With every breath I fight for air. I feel like I’m drowning but there’s no one there to help me.”

Written by Ling Lee (24/07/13).

One of my shorter extracts but I was cut off mid stride and now have not only a splitting headache but also a frustration that cannot be described. I hate losing concentration and being distracted from my end goal. But here is today’s piece.
I apologise for ruining a perfectly beautiful warm evening with my negative outbursts but this is what wants to be written.

Categories: Depression, Story Extract, The Darkness, Writing Ideas | Tags: , | Leave a comment

The Darkness: Story Extract

“Every waking moment I feel a huge void in my chest. The emptiness just eats away at me and sometimes I wish I could just disappear. I just want to be completely alone in total silence, without people, or birds or even the wind to distract me.

Engulfed by this dark aura, draining my will to live. I can hear it’s metallic tinkle of a laugh, mocking my existence. Waiting patiently to claim my lost soul. I’m drifting in frustration because there is still one thing left to live for, but the bad outweigh the good times so I’m not sure if my battle is worth fighting for.

Every sound is breaking me. The banging from the neighbour’s garden work is driving me insane. I want to head over and smack her with the shovel. I can feel the blood rushing through my veins, pumping and urging me to do it. I can see the darkness embrace me, welcoming me with open arms into it’s realm.

Every word that comes out of his mouth makes me want to sew his lips together so he can never upset me again. The darkness gives me a shove, encouraging me to act out my malicious thoughts. I hold on to my sense of morality and slowly count to 10. I hope the darkness passes, before I hurt one of those who have been making my life hell.

I still know what is right and what’s wrong, but it seems like everyone likes to balance and teeter in between. Soon I will fall one way or the other. It’s a shame good things just don’t like to come my way…”

Written by Ling Lee (17/07/13).

The darkness must be a wonderful place to be. When you no longer have to fight with the devil in you. But to laugh and to do as you please to anyone or anything who stands in your way.

I’m not sure if this means I’m becoming more lost by the day. Or if this is where my work likes to lead me. On a quest to fight the darkness and to emerge a better person, a better writer and a better soul.

Categories: Depression, Story Extract, The Darkness, Writing Ideas | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Inner Demon: Story Extract

“A blinding pain sears through my temples, pounding away behind my eyeballs. Eyelids clamped tightly shut, bloodshot, tortured eyes, crying out for relief.

Alongside the agony I can feel a presence grow stronger. Another me, fighting to escape, full of anger, revenge and darkness. All the bad times I have endured, every wrong inflicted upon my life. There’s a being inside of me growing stronger by the day, bursting to erupt into the real world outside of my imagination. Waiting to release all the pent up frustration, the built up stress, fed up of being walked all over.

I can see the once secure restraints slowly unfold as the frenzied cackling grows louder. I hear screaming and laughter in one unified voice. A fistful of long black hair laying limp in my hand and a slight burning sensation at the back of my scalp.

Tears roll down my cheeks whilst my hatred burns out from within, finally getting a taste of the real world. Then I find my self control and force my dark self to withdraw back into the recesses of my mind. I’m not ready to be taken away just yet. But my days are numbered as every time I lose control, my inner demons grow stronger…”

Written by Ling Lee (12/07/13).

Self control can easily be broken when to many stresses and strains take its toll. The pain is real, the inner demon is real. I love the idea of having something contained within us that fights to escape. Of seeing yourself struggle to keep it from taking over your life. This piece could easily be developed as schizophrenic character, or just an emergence of a psychopath. Too many ideas and too little time to voice myself…

Thanks again for your time and support! As always, please leave your comments 🙂

Categories: Depression, Secrets, Story Extract, The Darkness, Writing Ideas | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Defeated: Writing Extract

“I hate what has become of me. Frustration crushes me as I fight to hold on to the passion I had for life. I wander each day like a lost soul roaming this world. I’m looking for a way out. For a new beginning, a new life.

Tears well in my eyes as my vision blurs in cloudy pools. My heart bleeds out in agony but nobody can see my open wounds.

Laying in the dark, alone and defeated, all hope has abandoned me. I don’t want to give up but no one deserves to live like this…”

Written by Ling Lee (03/07/13).

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Forgotten Smile: Story Extract

“I can’t remember the last time I smiled. Every moment of every day I fight to keep my sanity. The stress just keeps piling high, ready to tumble over. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and forget every experience and every memory, just for some peace and quiet.

A tear slips down my face and onto my pillow, leaving a nice dark patch on the fabric. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep anymore. It’s too much effort to wake up with sore puffy eyes. I don’t want to pretend like there’s not a worry in my life anymore.

My life is sh*t. When nobody listens and nobody cares, I realise I made a mistake somewhere but I can’t pinpoint when my tears of laughter became tears of pain and sorrow. My days feel longer as I watch the minutes on the clock tick over and over, counting down the misery I have left to endure.

I hate to finally get home only to lay in bed alone, curled up in a pool of tears. Then I remember a day when you made me smile. Your infectious smile and your passion for life. You used to hate sleeping because you didn’t want to miss a moment. For just a few heartbeats you were solely mine. I felt like the luckiest girl alive. Then it was over and you were gone from my life, along with everything else worth smiling about. Now I lay here into the early hours of the night, trying to think of a reason to smile. The blurry image of your beautiful face appears and I smile at another memory that I will never forgot. A moment when I used to lay on your chest and listen to nothing except your heartbeat and your steady breath as you held me…”

Written by Ling Lee (11/06/13).

I wouldn’t survive another day if it wasn’t for these beautiful memories to pull me through the darkness. i just have to remember how to smile from the heart.

Categories: Depression, Random Thoughts, Story Extract, Writing Ideas | Tags: , | 2 Comments

Finally Broken: Story Extract

“My very last ounce of control has finally slipped out of reach. I welcome the tears and finally let go, stumbling against the wall. My back slides down the surface until I make contact with the floor, hugging my knees, howling into the sleeves of my clothes. All the frustration and raw pain hits me at full force knocking the wind right out of me.

I lost the fight, crumbling like the edges of a cliff being beaten by relentless waves. I’m not even angry anymore, just defeated. I wish I didn’t have to live in this shell of a body, for nothing for no one. It’s just not worth it anymore. I don’t know why I was brought into this world. I give and I give only to be used and cast aside. Even through my silent outburst nobody knows my pain.

Tomorrow they will see a smile etched upon my face. Nobody will really take notice and look into my puffy, lifeless eyes.

Curled up and broken I let the pain wash over me and lay on the bathroom floor until sunlight filters through the window…”

Written by Ling Lee (26/05/13).

Today is a new day. This character is distraught and has been dealt one too many hardships in life. Most days people just plod along through their sorrows but sometimes people break, some can never be fixed again.

Sorry for the dreary tones but I find these words jump out of me, bursting to be released. Don’t try to fight everything alone, it’s ok to ask for help.

Categories: Depression, Story Extract, The Darkness, Writing Ideas | Tags: , | 1 Comment

Black: Writing Extract

“Any inspiration I had has suddenly vanished to be replaced by a vast span of emptiness. Black surrounds me from head to toe. Black hair, eyebrows, shirt, fingernails, trousers and shoes. Black is what I’ve become. An entity of darkness to match my sunken moods.

I sit there staring at nothing in particular, but staring none the less. I try to conjure up anything except darkness and glimpse only the many textures of black. Shiny like newly laid tarmac, matt like a painted canvas, rough like the coals on an unlit fire.

There’s no explanation and no logical reason but it happens of its own volition. An immense void that simultaneously suffocates and drowns me. I reach with frantic, clawing hands that fail to grasp hold of anything to keep me from falling. I’ve learnt to accept it as a part of who I am.

At first it was overwhelming to be alone and you feel like nobody understands you. Then little by little you learn that no one can help you, even if they understand. They can only stick by you until you grow strong enough to drag your sorry backside back into reality…”

Written by Ling Lee (25/05/13)

I can’t focus but I’m not entirely sure why. I just know I feel physically exhausted and mentally drained. I’m waiting for the moment to pass so I can jump right back up and think in colour. I apologise for the dreary outburst but what needs to be done has been done.

Categories: Depression, Free Writing, Random Thoughts, The Darkness | Tags: , | 2 Comments

Smiling Through Tears: Story Extract

“The darkness has claimed me as its own. Heavy hearted, full of sorrow and regret for everything that my life has become. Each smile hides a million tears, just waiting for the first drop to fall before all the other drops follow in a flood.

If anyone really cared or really loved me they’d see behind this facade. Anyone who looked into my eyes would see the pain etched upon my every feature except for my deceiving smile.

Gritting my teeth as my lips are forced to lift. I wish I could brighten my darkened soul. The miserable cold reminds me of my eternal loneliness. The path I have chosen to walk will destroy me, but it feels like it’s too far to turn back.

Depression settles within me, like death sucking away at life. My feet feel rooted to the floor as every step forward takes all the effort I can muster. This broken smile is the only thing left of my former self. This smile is the only thing stopping me from destroying everyone in my path. Nothing matters any more, no one can help me any more…”

Written by Ling Lee

Depression is a constant invisible force. It drains you, it controls you and it destroys any hope of happiness you may have. Look into the eyes of the person you care for most, don’t let them face the darkness alone. Help them before they get lost and never find their way back to you…

Categories: Depression, Secrets, Story Extract, The Darkness, Writing Ideas | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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