“I can’t remember the last time I smiled. Every moment of every day I fight to keep my sanity. The stress just keeps piling high, ready to tumble over. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and forget every experience and every memory, just for some peace and quiet.
A tear slips down my face and onto my pillow, leaving a nice dark patch on the fabric. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep anymore. It’s too much effort to wake up with sore puffy eyes. I don’t want to pretend like there’s not a worry in my life anymore.
My life is sh*t. When nobody listens and nobody cares, I realise I made a mistake somewhere but I can’t pinpoint when my tears of laughter became tears of pain and sorrow. My days feel longer as I watch the minutes on the clock tick over and over, counting down the misery I have left to endure.
I hate to finally get home only to lay in bed alone, curled up in a pool of tears. Then I remember a day when you made me smile. Your infectious smile and your passion for life. You used to hate sleeping because you didn’t want to miss a moment. For just a few heartbeats you were solely mine. I felt like the luckiest girl alive. Then it was over and you were gone from my life, along with everything else worth smiling about. Now I lay here into the early hours of the night, trying to think of a reason to smile. The blurry image of your beautiful face appears and I smile at another memory that I will never forgot. A moment when I used to lay on your chest and listen to nothing except your heartbeat and your steady breath as you held me…”
Written by Ling Lee (11/06/13).
I wouldn’t survive another day if it wasn’t for these beautiful memories to pull me through the darkness. i just have to remember how to smile from the heart.