“Head throbbing in a frantic beat, all energy drained from my every limb. I’m too exhausted to move, almost too tired to breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can to stop the tears from falling, because once it starts, I wont remember how to stop until my eyes dry out. I hate the puffy eye look, everyone can tell then they start to ask questions.
‘Are you ok?’ Such an important question yet people expect a simple ‘Yes’ to follow. Why bother asking when you don’t really want to discuss the answer? As soon as the answer is formed into any word other than ‘yes’, the poor soul who asked the question tends to visibly tense and squirm on the spot; like something has suddenly crept right under their skin. So before you voice this question, ask yourself if you are ready for the answer.
Today is a ‘Not Okay’ day. Be warned and steer clear. I don’t want to see pitiful eyes or glimmering smiles of those who think they hit the gossip jackpot. I just want to plough through this day just to crawl back into the safety of my bed. I want the darkness to join me and wrap it’s cold arms around me. I need someone or something who truly cares, even if that something is a cold and dark embrace.
I can see the darkness appear with a soul. Boney and timid, hesitating, reaching it’s skeletal black hand out, waiting for my touch. Grazing my finger, it hurriedly grasps my hand before I grow strong enough to push away it’s feral need to drain me. Every waking moment the darkness fights to contain me in it’s negative aura. Every restless suspension of consciousness allows the darkness to grow. To develop its hold until eventually it becomes a mass of black bulging muscles. Strong and imminently destroying what’s left of my will to live. The darkness smiles with a hollow, gaping hole. Giving me one last push, I fall in to it’s merciless prison where the darkness feeds on my energy. Stroking me as a reminder of it’s cold welcoming arms when nobody with a warm embrace had cared.
The darkness is always waiting with open arms for us. It has become a permanent body in my life. But sometimes I fight for the hold of a warm being, sometimes I’m strong enough to let love in, but every time it hurts, I retreat into the safe arms of my dark depression…”
Written by Ling Lee (05/05/13).
A piece of what I see when the darkness is more welcoming than the hurt of human love. I hope this piece makes you stop to think twice before you see walk away when you see pain flicker through someones eyes. Give them a big warm hug to keep them in the light and warmth of your world.