“It’s not easy to walk away and forget about the consequences because I know the guilt will eat me raw from the inside out. I’m afraid of the rage that’s kindling within me like a freshly lit fire. A tiny spark that can cause destruction in seconds. My anger feels intense, waiting for something to ignite me to the brink of exploding.
I’m not sure how much longer I can contain my emotions. Crazed into fits of hysterical outbursts, he’s driving me insane. I wish I could just pack up and leave but I can’t. I can’t leave my precious baby behind, but I’m afraid to lose custody if I try to walk away.
The love I have for my child is indescribable. But her father is destroying me. I am but a shadow of my former self. My enthusiasm for life has long ago been diminished like the snuffing out of a mighty bonfire.
Good memories fail to surface. I try so hard to remember the days when he used to make me smile, but all my mind can bring up are the terrible arguments, then the silence, then the disgusting looks that exchange between us. I wonder why it isn’t already over. But I know it’s for my daughter.
Out of desperation, I need my daughter to have a father in her life. My own father was everything I ever needed in a parent. The love, the memories, the lessons in life. I don’t want to deny my daughter of this choice.
Deep down I know I am destroying myself. I’ve fallen so far into the darkness. I don’t know if I can ever crawl out of the shadows. But I hang on to life by mere threads. For my daughter I must keep struggling through life. I keep reminding myself that one day things will be better. My daughter is worth more than my life can ever provide for her.
For my daughter I square my shoulders, lift my chin up and face the day ahead. Then I look at her innocent face as she leans over to kiss my cheek, my face melts into a smile that brings tears to my eyes…”
Written by Ling Lee (18/03/13).
My children are my world. My present and my future. I am a parent who protects my child from every danger, every hurt, and every pain. Not every child is lucky enough to have that.
Just a reminder to appreciate what you have. Have a good day all!