“I shrug his hand off my shoulder and see confusion flicker on his face. He reaches out to touch my cheek but I slap his hand away from me. I glare at him with as much fight as I can manage. My expression clearly challenging him, daring him to come near me. Pain and tears fill his eyes. I point to the open door and take another step back from him. I silently stare at him letting the rage, the anger, the frustration show but never will I shed a tear over someone so unworthy of my love.
He turns to leave. I feel a pull toward him, at the same time I feel relief. Then all my emotions erupt from me as the urge for destruction takes over. I throw a cushion from the sofa and watch it sail across the room, hitting the edge of the door and dropping to the floor. I shout and head over to the open door. Kicking the cushion away, I slam the door as hard as I can. My eyes are burning but I won’t cry. Hands balling into fists, I aim at the door and feel an unbelievable surge of pain shoot through my right hand as I curse and throw my left fist at the door too. The pain is overwhelming but I relish the distraction from any other thought that could enter my mind.
I head back into the kitchen and pick up a plate, fully intending to launch it at the back door, but subconsciously picturing the mess and the cost to replace them before I put it back on the draining board. I sigh in frustration, clenching and unclenching my aching hands. Screw my logical thinking mind. Why can’t I just let go and do what I want to do for just one moment?
My fist connects with the kitchen surface, I inwardly curse my resistance to pain. For a brief moment I wonder if I’m doing any permanent damage to my hand but I don’t care anymore. Tears threaten to fall as I rub my eyes and state at the knife.
I wonder what happens if I plunge it in my stomach but I guess I’m not strong enough to do it. I imagine the blade coming down on my wrist but I’m scared that I’ll live. The shame of trying to die and adding yet another thing to fail at is just too much to bear.
I can feel the fight seep out of my body. The rage dissipating, the anger dissolving into the silent evening, leaving me standing alone at the side of my kitchen. I pick up the knife and continue to chop up the carrot to add to the casserole. Once again I pretend like nothing has happened and just get through the rest of the day…”
Written by Ling Lee (07/03/13).
Ooooh, even in my imaginary world I can’t bear to cause real destruction. I wanted to destroy everything in sight but I am still in control and still cannot just break free.