I’ve cried so many tears over him, but this time it’s different. This time I’m stronger, this time I refuse to cry until my tears dry out. This time I’m not drinking until I’m wasted from morning until night. I’m not staying in bed sulking or pining for him. Not this time, not ever again because I’ve had enough.
Right, getting out of the house, where shall I go? Food shopping is always good. Ice cream, pancakes, french toast, chocolate, today I deserve it all. I take a deep breath, I plaster a smile on my face, hold my head high and walk in. My smile begins to tremble, but I’m not giving in.
First aisle fruit and veg, I guess I’ll pass on that today. What was the point in dieting and calorie counting when size 0 doesn’t even keep him. Aisle 2, toiletries. Must be time for a nice long bubble bath. I love the honey and milk flavour stuff. Sweet smelling and makes my skin so lovely and soft. A little bit of music, a little bit of relaxation and a lot of bubbles.
He’s here. I just smelt his cologne as he walked on by. I drop the bubble bath into the basket and stumble after him, calling out his name. He’s ignoring me, what am I doing? But it’s too late to stop myself, I grasp him by the crook of the elbow and feel my whole world fall back into place. “Can I help you hun?” and to my crushing disappointment, it’s not him. “Uh, um…” I mumble an apology and disappear into the next aisle. Not before seeing his amused grin, mocking my mistake.
I inwardly curse myself for even hoping it was him. Frustration and anger churns within me as I see that guy’s face taunting me. I’m so stupid but I’m also strong. I want to go home, but I’m staying. I haven’t even bought the good stuff yet. All my favourite desserts.
Aisle 3, medications, Aisle 4 tea and coffee… Aisle 7 dessert. Finally there. Arctic roll, straight in my basket, new york vanilla cheesecake, gorgeous and in my basket. Yogurt, too healthy, tiramisu, that brand is gross…
What the hell. Why do people even sell apple strudel? It’s like a cross between an apple turnover and an apple lattice tart. But you told me it’s delicious and it was the first time I had it. It was yummy except for the manky raisins. He loved me then, at least I thought he did, as he picked them out one by one, in between feeding me pieces of raisin free pastry. Those were my happy days.
Who cares about the stupid apple f*cking strudel? But apparently I care. Something clatters to the floor breaking my train of thought. I turn around and the honey and milk gel is spilling onto the floor. I drop to the floor and I don’t know what to do. My eyes start to fill up and I realise I’ve been beaten again. I know I need him to survive. I can’t even do food shopping when he’s gone. I welcome the tears, and feel relief as they spill from my eyes. I leave the mess behind, drag my sorry self to Aisle 9, pick up a bottle of Bailey’s and hit the self service till.
I head on outside, wipe my sleeve across my face and climb onto the nearest bus. “Where to?” I throw a load of change in the coin tray and tell him “I don’t care, wherever this bus goes to.” I head to the back of the bus, crawl onto a seat as I unscrew the Bailey’s and swig from the bottle.
I stare at my reflection in the window blurred with dirty finger prints. I scowl at the stupid girl who can’t even be strong just this once. I watch as she drinks from the bottle and I turn from her in disgust at the sight of her…”
Written by Ling Lee (24/01/13).
I’m not sure what triggered me to write this. But then I could well be bending the truth. I went to the supermarket today, wandering around in a daze. I found that I was staring at something that reminded me of you. But I smiled at that thought, because one day I got stronger.
Tomorrow is a better day. Leave the sad times in your yesterdays. Live today filled with hope for your better tomorrows.